I don’t know.

I don’t know.

I don’t know how I learn.
I don’t know how I grow.
I don’t know.

I don’t know what I want.
I don’t know what I’m looking for as far as in faith.
I don’t know.

I don’t know how to approach situations.
I don’t know how to make new friends.
I don’t know.

I don’t know what I want to do with my life.
I don’t know what school I want to go to.
I don’t know.

I don’t know how to get other people to understand me.
I don’t know.

I don’t know common sense.
I don’t know how to express myself.
I don’t know how to articulate.
I don’t know.

I don’t know how to please my parents.
I don’t know how to be rational.
I don’t know.

I don’t know how to break habits.
I don’t know how to make habits.
I don’t know.

I don’t know how to not rage.
I don’t know how I’m still in one piece.
I don’t know.

I don’t know how I know the things that I know.
I don’t know.

I don’t know my favorite school subject.
I don’t know why bad things happen.
I don’t know.

But I do know, that I don’t know.

And I try to know,
what I don’t know.

And God helps me,
through it all:
through the tears,
and the pain,
and the unhealthy strives for personal gain,
and to try to understand.

And somehow, I’m still here trying,
but I don’t know.

People don’t understand.

And I don’t know.

I don’t know how to show
that I don’t know.

I just don’t know.

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Quote of the Week+

First things first, happy new year!

I do presume that by this time and date, January 2nd, 3:18 P.M. on the east coast of the United States, it is the start of the new year according to the Western calendar all around the world.

Of course, I took into consideration that places like China have their own separate new year dates and celebrations.

Back on track, as I mentioned in my last post, here, 2014 was a good year and I am incredibly excited for what 2015 holds for me.

Yesterday, I signed up for daily emails at http://www.bibleinoneyear.org. I am very eager at the prospect of frequently reading Scripture. A hope is to at least be in God’s word this year a lot more than last year, if not getting through the whole Bible. There’s commentary along with daily scripture readings from several different parts of the Bible every day.

There is an app for both iOS and android, but I’m afraid that I only have iOS 6 so I had to sign up for the emails.

As for the quote this week, I’m starting out the year with a few words of encouragement. I know that I personally get lost and fall down in the dumps of despair from time to time, and I absolutely hate it.

This is such a good reminder that God is our rock, our foundation, and our strength. When we cry out, God has us. For we might lose our way, but Jesus never loses us.

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–D. Fayth

Verse of the Week

So I’ve recently made time for daily Scripture readings again. After sorting through my priorities, I finally found that a regular intake of God’s Word is so inspiring and helpful for me in my daily Christian life.

I’m not exactly sure why, but I decided to start with Job. What a man Job was! I can barely even imagine having so much taken away from me for seemingly no valid reason and managing not to curse or blame God. One day I hope to be like Job, wholeheartedly unwavering and loyal in my faith.

This verse especially stood out to me in Job the other day:

We all face trials, and I currently am a little bit lost and confused, but who are we to accept good and not trouble from our Lord?

Although we know God has already won the battle, earth is still full of evil that we will encounter.

Place your trust in God and prevail through the hard times, because love does win out in the end.

Blessings,

Fayth

Friendship Anxiety

It’s high past time to push away this horrible friendship anxiety. It does nothing except make my life miserable. Praying that I can just put my friendships in God’s hands and receive peace.

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Disheartened

Disheartened;
Weary, dreary
A colloquial queuing
of tears
Fluctuating out
And in
of extravagant moods
Whispering prayers
To hopefully reach
His ears

Lost

I feel so lost. Empty. Like I’m wandering around a spectrum and constantly moving from one far side to the other.

Faith is ever confusing to me. Sometimes my human nature kicks in and blocks out my reasonable thinking. I care too much about others opinions, worldly things, money, time, and I forget about focusing on the essential thing.

I need to stop. I must listen. Listen to what? To who? Myself? Or God? God. That’s it. God.

It’s so hard for me to hear Him at times. I worry too much about the worldly objectives and not on the legitimate reason why I am even here on Earth.

Why am I here on Earth? Why? Why do I feel this way? I’m so frustrated with myself, and feeling not good enough for others. But, I am. Jesus says I’m worth it.

Then why do people’s actions make it seem like they don’t care? Why is this hard for me? Why does life, to put it simply, hold little joy?

I do know one reason I am prone to this type of down in the dumps negativity.
I am very much a person who cares about words of affirmation.

If you voice something positive to me, about me, or act in a good way towards me I am overjoyed. The thing is, the exact opposite thing goes for me in the negative, and even when response is neutral.

If I get a neutral response I internally panic. I automatically assume the worst. My mind fills with thoughts that surface like, “Why don’t they like me,” “What did I do,” “Why isn’t this easy for me,” etc.

What’s even worse is that along with the lower self-esteem, the self-criticism, self-speculation, and panic I create for myself because of neutral responses, I get mad at no one other than Jesus.

God who did nothing wrong. I direct my anger at the blameless Creator.

It’s honestly shameful. Albeit, I’m a human and all humans mess up, but I panic over nothing.

This is why I’m lost. This reaction needs to stop. I don’t have to care about what others think. I don’t have any reason to panic of someone doesn’t respond at all. Yet, my stupid human nature makes me wring my hands with anxiety.

Therefore I’m putting worldly things aside and focusing on Him. I’m currently praying hard that I’ll delve into His word, and learn from that.

In addition to that, I’m praying that I’ll listen and hear Jesus. It’s hard for me to hear Him, perhaps that’s because I’m not really trying hard enough.

Maybe, I do but I ignore it. The possibilities are endless, but I’m praying to refocus my eyes on the Lord Almighty.

He made me the way I am for a reason, and I know with His help I can stop fretting over these earthly responses, and strive for His approval alone.

After all, if you live for Jesus, everything comes from that.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m scared. I’m still frustrated with myself. I’m helplessly lost, but Jesus will guide me.

I devote myself 100% to the Father and His works, because through Christ I can do all things.

Jesus is the way. I want people to see Him in me.

That way, I will build my relationship with Him and grow stronger in my weak faith. Also, nobody else’s opinion shall matter.

It’s this internal debate of mine that I’ve been arguing for the part few months.

Still, I’m lost. I’m effortlessly lost. I’m crazily lost in a jumbled mess, but I have faith that Jesus will and can get me out of this nightmare.

Slowly and with patience I will learn every day how to live for Him.

All prayers are immensely appreciated,

Sincerely,

A lost girl that is trying to remove all of the lost feeling, and to receive safe and secureness in the Lord at home.

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Quote of the Week

Insightful words by a wonderful author. Here’s to all those who wander with Jesus to spread the word to those who are lost.
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