I feel so lost. Empty. Like I’m wandering around a spectrum and constantly moving from one far side to the other.
Faith is ever confusing to me. Sometimes my human nature kicks in and blocks out my reasonable thinking. I care too much about others opinions, worldly things, money, time, and I forget about focusing on the essential thing.
I need to stop. I must listen. Listen to what? To who? Myself? Or God? God. That’s it. God.
It’s so hard for me to hear Him at times. I worry too much about the worldly objectives and not on the legitimate reason why I am even here on Earth.
Why am I here on Earth? Why? Why do I feel this way? I’m so frustrated with myself, and feeling not good enough for others. But, I am. Jesus says I’m worth it.
Then why do people’s actions make it seem like they don’t care? Why is this hard for me? Why does life, to put it simply, hold little joy?
I do know one reason I am prone to this type of down in the dumps negativity.
I am very much a person who cares about words of affirmation.
If you voice something positive to me, about me, or act in a good way towards me I am overjoyed. The thing is, the exact opposite thing goes for me in the negative, and even when response is neutral.
If I get a neutral response I internally panic. I automatically assume the worst. My mind fills with thoughts that surface like, “Why don’t they like me,” “What did I do,” “Why isn’t this easy for me,” etc.
What’s even worse is that along with the lower self-esteem, the self-criticism, self-speculation, and panic I create for myself because of neutral responses, I get mad at no one other than Jesus.
God who did nothing wrong. I direct my anger at the blameless Creator.
It’s honestly shameful. Albeit, I’m a human and all humans mess up, but I panic over nothing.
This is why I’m lost. This reaction needs to stop. I don’t have to care about what others think. I don’t have any reason to panic of someone doesn’t respond at all. Yet, my stupid human nature makes me wring my hands with anxiety.
Therefore I’m putting worldly things aside and focusing on Him. I’m currently praying hard that I’ll delve into His word, and learn from that.
In addition to that, I’m praying that I’ll listen and hear Jesus. It’s hard for me to hear Him, perhaps that’s because I’m not really trying hard enough.
Maybe, I do but I ignore it. The possibilities are endless, but I’m praying to refocus my eyes on the Lord Almighty.
He made me the way I am for a reason, and I know with His help I can stop fretting over these earthly responses, and strive for His approval alone.
After all, if you live for Jesus, everything comes from that.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m scared. I’m still frustrated with myself. I’m helplessly lost, but Jesus will guide me.
I devote myself 100% to the Father and His works, because through Christ I can do all things.
Jesus is the way. I want people to see Him in me.
That way, I will build my relationship with Him and grow stronger in my weak faith. Also, nobody else’s opinion shall matter.
It’s this internal debate of mine that I’ve been arguing for the part few months.
Still, I’m lost. I’m effortlessly lost. I’m crazily lost in a jumbled mess, but I have faith that Jesus will and can get me out of this nightmare.
Slowly and with patience I will learn every day how to live for Him.
All prayers are immensely appreciated,
A lost girl that is trying to remove all of the lost feeling, and to receive safe and secureness in the Lord at home.